Handmade Crazy

I am doubtful that I will ever be able to participate in a Handmade Christmas. In an attempt to save my gift budget I tried to make just 2 presents. All I made was myself, the hubs, my sweet dad who was trying to save me, and the recipients of these presents crazy. 

There needs to be skill involved in order to make your gifts. You should not just assume it will all work out. You should not assume freaking out for an hour over one of the gifts counts as a gift of time. The gift of time is your hubs trying to calm you the hell down, and that gift is to you. 

So now in the dust-filled garage is a mostly sanded, half varnished, wood legged, and veneer topped coffee table I never want to see again. And on my credit card bill are the presents that took its place 2 days late.

Christmas budget

Well. Christmas is almost here and I am frantically trying to get all my gifts. I was somehow foresighted enough to know that money would be tight and arrange not to exchange gifts with friends. Did I think about the presents I would have to buy? Of course not. Because if I had I would not be here, one week before Christmas trying to MAKE presents. Oi. 

In times like this I always believe I have these mad sewing skills and can sew presents. But after 3 hours of trying to make a cute smockette for my niece, courtesy of www.themayfly.com I am wondering what I was thinking (it took 3 hours because I was watching the Biggest Loser finale). The last time I sewed I made a pair of boxer shorts under supervision in Home Ec in 1994. The smockette did not go well. Mainly because I am not a fantastic sewer and cannot read simple directions about what kind of fabric to use. 

I am still thinking that this gift might be possible given the right kind of fabric and some focus. A smock doesn't have to be perfect; it is for getting dirty. Not to mention she is 18 months old, chances are she'll never remember it. 

I also found another gift that requires work. But it met the budget requirements, so it came home with me. Hopefully I will be able to post pictures of these things after they are given. I am afraid to do so now and spoil the surprise. 

Also, since this blog started with the garden I feel I should give my roses some praise. They are still blooming. It is freezing at night, 40 degrees all day, and the damn roses have 40 blooms. All I can figure is the previous, crazy gardening owners of this house are sneaking into my yard at night and feeding the roses crack. The hubs also cut down the banana tree tonight. It was time, but it is my favorite part of the house and I miss it until spring. 

What a wonderful world

This week one year ago I was lost. I had moved out of my house onto my best friend's couch and then to a sublet that was unfurnished. I lived with one pot, one pan, a chair, and a bed. I was alone, not in school, not sure what I was going to do, and making no money at my job. 

My parents were trying to be supportive, but trying at the same time to convince me to go home to a man who did not want me because that was the "right" thing to do in their minds. My friends did not know what to say. My sister gave me an illegal substance in hopes it would at least allow me to escape periodically. 

One year later I have succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. I do not write this to brag, I am writing this because it can be done. You can make your life what you want. The hardest part is figuring out what you really want.

I am now in graduate school pursuing a career I will not only be good at, but will enjoy. I am making good grades. I am working a job that will prepare me for the future. It is ridiculously hard, but it is training me in so many ways for the future. I am a recovering codependent in the maintenance stage. I have set boundaries and have kept them with those close to me. I am home with the man I love working every day to better our partnership. Our partnership has survived the worst because I was able to look at myself without him and become someone I like. I am part of the history of this country that elected a president willing to learn from the past and change the future. 

Change is hard. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was so hard because I had to make the change for myself. That sounds like it would be the easiest reason for change, but not for someone who thought like I did. 

This week is the anniversary of the week I told my husband it was over. It is also the anniversary of the day I started standing up for myself. I did not think when I started this path that I would get the exact thing I wanted most. It wasn't until I wanted something for myself more than any other person that I got what I wanted. I am very proud of myself today. I have a new life, and I have it because I DID IT. 

I have a feeling of such hope. I am getting teary like I did during Obama's speech in 2004, and during his acceptance speech Tuesday evening. Change is possible. The future is brighter for me because I realize this truth. 

I did not think that 2008 was going to be a good year. But it has exceeded every expectation. 

 

Keeping up the pace

I have been feeling like I am caught up in a whirlwind. I felt this way a year ago exactly, like my life was moving way too quickly. The difference is that a year ago I felt that I was losing my life. This year I feel like it is a little out of control, but in a "How did I get this fabulous life?" way. 

I recognize that I got this life through a year of hard work and making changes on a very basic level. I changed my view of the world. I took responsibility for my life. I am still creating the life I want, but the hard work is starting to pay off. 

The feeling remains that it is all moving so fast. I want to savor the victory of getting into the program I wanted. But here I am at midterms, so there is no time to sit and feel anything. Which strikes me as odd considering the program is ABOUT feelings, being a MAC program and all.

I am pretty sure this means I am actually living my life instead of watching others live their lives and adjusting to their needs. But I still feel like I am missing something precious in my daily rush. 

In a random related thought, the pace of a foreign country is always different. I have not been to many, but the few I have spent any significant time in have always been slower. It seems like a typical American thing, all this rushing around. I would like to note, that I would give up work in order to slow my life down, but that's not realistic.

What I am really trying to do or say here is that I am trying to appreciate all that I have. I wish I had more time to process it all. 

Highs never last

Well, my excitement from yesterday went sliding away with every second at the financial aid office. They are willing to give me enough money, but I am not sure we are willing to pay that much back. I am having a hard time with it. I am thinking I should defer my entrance in order to wait on my state school applications. 

The deal is this, I love private college. I went to UMHB my first 2 years of college, and was where I was supposed to be. I consider that place my college experience. Then I went to Texas State and just survived. It was huge, impersonal, and I was just going there to finish. I seriously hated that university. 

Now here we are, and St. Edward's is a beautiful campus I found my way around without a map. It reminds me of my dear UMHB. The classes are so small, the people in the registrar's office are actually NICE for crying out loud. We all know that is just weird. 

I feel it is a better program in general and for me personally. But I not convinced that 50 grand later it will have been worth it. I also have to think about J and our future family too. 

What to do, what to do. I think I may need to at the very least defer entrance until the spring to buy myself some time with my state apps. Sigh. I was so ready to go to the university bookstore and get ahead on some reading before stupid financial aid. 

Ecstatic

I cannot stop squealing. I finally stopped scrolling down my phone book calling every person I know. I was just accepted to a graduate program here in Austin. It is an unbelievable relief! 

The application called for a personal essay that was the hardest thing I have ever written. The entire time I was writing it, I was doubting myself and the progress I have made as an individual. The other applications were easy. But this essay that was such a large piece of me made me very nervous. It was putting myself out there for rejection in a very big way. 

All is well with the world now. My coffee tables are done, the rose bushes are trimmed, and I am off to talk J into taking me out for lunch to celebrate before we start painting!

Square dreams

I had (what I thought was) the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed my family and I were out in the yard - only it wasn't exactly MY yard because it never is in dreamland. I looked over and my agapanthus were 8 feet tall! My dad was very impressed. They were taller than my rose bushes. Which, as I tried to explain to my husband J, is shocking because the agapanthus are done blooming and my roses are now over 6 feet. J gives me a pitying, disbelieving, amused look and tells me, "that is the squarest dream I have ever heard".It is. And so that is how this blog begins. It is not wildly exciting tales from the other side. It is me and my life as it is. Which is pretty good even if the agapanthus are of average size.